Health Blog

Louise Wilson, Integrative Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist (MA, UKCP)

April 2020

Helping children deal with the current situation

Most of us feel some degree of anxiety at the moment. A bit unsafe. Even the adults. 

It’s taken most of us several weeks to even start to calm ourselves down and begin to deal with what is a pretty scary and anxiety-provoking situation. For the first couple of weeks many of us found it hard to concentrate on our usual tasks, losing things, dropping things, not sleeping and feeling a bit unwell. Some days we are now feeling a little better… and some days not, especially with the uncertainty about how much longer we have to bear this.

Using the analogy of being in a plane, it is important that we look after ourselves and try to put our own oxygen masks on so that we can begin to help our children put theirs on. And when we have, what do we say to them?

How do children get a feeling of safety?

The main way children begin to feel safe is to use us as a secure base – a touchstone of normality. 

First, we need to find out how they feel. They may be anxious, or fearful and might need to express this. For many children, just expressing their anxieties and fears to an adult who can really listen is enough to reduce their fears substantially.

What to say to children about Corona

First of all, how do we explain to young children what is going on?

A friend of mine told me that her two-year-old was wondering why people outside his family couldn’t play with him and why his Granny couldn’t hug him. So, having worked with very young children and older children for many years, I decided to try to put together something that could be said. 

What to say to children about Corona

1-4 year olds 

“You know what it’s like when we have a cold? We cough don’t we? And when we cough we cover up our mouths don’t we? Do you know why? Because the spit that comes out of our mouths when we cough can fly over to other people and give them the cough. And we don’t want to give them our cough because we don’t want everyone to feel poorly too. 

At the moment a really strange thing has happened and lots and lots of people have caught a cough at the same time and lots and lots of people are passing on their coughs to other people. So the government has decided that people shouldn’t go too close to each other unless they live in the same house so that everyone doesn’t get poorly at the same time. 

(Pause for questions or reflection…!)

So … because Granny doesn’t live with us, that’s why she can’t hug you or play chase with you at the moment. She is sad.”

Depending on your child, they may take in none of the explanation bit, some of it, or most of it. They may be curious and they may not. What is for sure is that they will feel some relief that you have addressed something that to some extent is affecting their daily experience at the moment and will feel more understood and communicated with. 

Children don’t deal well with elephants in the room but most of us have quite a lot of elephants around because we understandably think that by ignoring difficult feelings they will go away and our children feel better. But there is a lot of evidence that this isn’t how the brain works. Usually, as soon as we mention something that a child has been worrying about, they instantly feel less alone with the feeling and a warm glow of being understood which is, in itself, a good thing whether what we say makes any sense to them or not. 

When children feel understood and communicated with (empathy) their brains develop optimally and their mental health and happiness are optimised. We need this right now.

Name negative feelings

Ask your child how he/she feels about not being able to hug Granny. Allow them to express their sadness, their hurt, their fear, their confusion… . Use these words in case one of them hits the spot. When it does, the part of the brain feeling that feeling will be calmed and your child is likely to behaviour better. 

Too often we don’t talk to children about feelings when we think they are feeling negative because perhaps we can’t cope with hearing it, we don’t know what to say or we feel we should brush away the negative feelings and replace them with positive ones. But it is well proven that being able to express negative feelings and have them accepted and reflected on by another, makes most of us, children and adults, feel better. It is certainly true for young children. 

Questions/phrases you can use.

• What’s it like for you not to be able to play with Granny at the moment?
• I wonder if you miss Granny at the moment? 
• Where do you feel the sad feeling? In your tummy? In your chest?
• Can you draw your sad feeling? or someone feeling very sad?
• I know!  Shall we send her a picture of you two hugging each other?!

Granny will love to get a picture of herself (and who knows, the feel-good chemicals induced by receiving it might even help her immunity against the virus!) but more importantly, your child will have a lovely sense of still being able to love and relate to their grandmother. 

And there will be more love in the world for a moment… . And more in the moment when Granny receives it. And we need this right now. 

An alternative is to play with soft toys or small figures and make up a story where one of the toys can’t hug the other toy. ‘Can Teddy tell me how she is feeling? Show me what she would like to do with Granny rabbit?

What could she do instead?’ 

From the other end of the relationship affected, encourage family members and friends who would usually come into close physical proximity with your child to say something like ‘It will be lovely when I can give you a hug again James!’  or ‘I’m so sad we can’t play like we usually do!’ Get them to blow kisses or model a hug. Playfulness is also an antidote to fear, an antedote to stress chemicals. We all have enough of those at the moment.

Children often think things are their fault

Children usually think that when people’s behaviour towards them changes it is because of something

they have done. Many children even think the virus is their fault in some way! Because of the negativity bias we all have in our brains, children think that most things that go wrong are ‘their fault’. They can internalise this and grow up with low self esteem.

So.. if people don’t approach young children to hug them or touch them any more, or move away from them, they are likely to take it personally if there is no explanation.

Older children (5-11)

Pretty much the same thing can be said to older children but you can replace the idea of having a cold with having a bug that is affecting everyone (a little more real information), but no more than you have to give. You can talk about Corona and that it is affecting people all over the world. 

What if they think you are going to die?

For this age group there is a very big issue to deal with and that is that they will probably think someone is going to die. Their main worry is likely to be that you are going to die. As their primary caregiver this makes them feel very unsafe in the world, affecting their actual confidence in survival. So, it needs to be given the chance to be stated and talked about. 

The best thing can be just to begin a general open discussion at a moment of relaxed, affectionate hanging out together. 

‘So.. I’m wondering what it’s like for you being at home more and what is it like for you thinking that lots of people have a virus… . ‘

Then just wait.

If your child isn’t used to talking about their feelings with you they might not easily share, so you can then do ‘wondering’ with them. Wondering is a very useful thing.

‘I wonder whether you feel a bit worried or unsafe at the moment?’ 

What is your biggest fear about this thing?’

If your child comes out with a worry or fear the key is just to receive it initially and to say how very difficult it must be to behaving that feeling. Something like:

‘’Oh, thanks for sharing that with me. I’m really glad you told me because yes, now I really understand how you are feeling! And it must be very hard for you to think that I might die!’

It is helpful to resist initially saying the thing you really want to say and think will help most which is ‘But I’m not going to die. I’m going to be here for ever!’  

Instead you could try something a bit playful but true such as ‘Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this but I think I am going to stick around and be here tomorrow to be telling you off about putting your toys away AGAIN! And the next day, and the next day!’  We’re lucky to be healthy at the moment aren’t we?’ 

This isn’t exactly answering the child’s question but … just having been able to express and discuss the feelings should help the child feel better. 

Protect primary school age children from the Media

It’s usually best to be a filter for the news and let your children hear it from you rather than other media. It is not appropriate for children to be hearing the news at the moment. Their brains are not equipped to deal with it and it may traumatise them. Our brains aren’t either but some of us choose to listen to the same negative news over and over. Maybe try to ration yourselves to a couple of times a day so that you can be more positive for your children. 

At present, with social isolation, perhaps in some ways it is at least easier to protect young children from things other children have heard and would be sharing with them with at school. With older children on social media it is much more difficult.

Make the most of what this time has to offer.

Now is the time to play, play, play with your children and to be curious about them and really get to know them. 

It’s time to do all the things that you don’t usually get time to do. You probably didn’t feel like doing them at first while you were still in shock.. but slowly.. slowly. 

Structure and routine

One of the main things school-age children could miss at this time is routine. You could try to make a couple of options for loose daily schedules that can be changed if necessary, but are there for some structure for you all. 

Otherwise children can feel a bit directionless and more anxious because they have less containment than usual. Routine is a good container and helps children to feel safe. 

This goes for any age of child. Some children will be better than others at self-direction but for many it is quite difficult to have to make decisions about what to do next and being at a loose end during an anxious time can lead to feeling low. 

Some children will need to do more things with you rather than on their own until things settle down a bit.

This will take more of your time and energy but there are many resources around to help with creative activities and games.

This could be a time that children grow up to remember for good reasons as well as bad. 

I wish all the best to all families in these extraordinary times.

Louise Wilson, Integrative Child and Adolescent Psychotherapist (MA,UKCP). 

If you would like to chat about your child/family in particular, I am available for parent/carer consultations or counselling for your child [at the moment all by telephone] on louisewilson246@gmail.com or 07734 338173.